


How he Spends his Nights

by Hillary08



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, No Smut, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2019-10-03 10:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17282354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hillary08/pseuds/Hillary08
Summary: Harry is a gay prostitute running from his past. And in this case his past is named James.Living with Ste, Hannah and Sinead, Harry feels safe for the first time in his life. Crushing on Ste and helping care for his cousins he finally feels useful in a way he never has before. How will that change with the return of James? And how can Harry keep the secret of how he spends his nights?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is drastically different for Hollyoaks but I liked playing around with some of the ideas. In this James is Harry’s ex-boyfriend/pimp who Harry ran away from. Also, Harry and Sinead are cousins, and Tony is just Harry’s boss.

The corner is chilly but I can see my target. A light expression covers my face as I walk up to him, “So stranger, you find what you’re looking for?”  
His eyes land on me and a smile crawls onto his lips, “I think I just might have.”  
Smiling cockily I lean forward, intimately aware of the shrinking distance between us. “Well I hope you’ve got enough…” I finger along his collar, chuckling as the pulse increases at his throat, “for your sake.”  
He seems to have lost his voice and I can’t help but pull a little more into him, wrapping an arm around his neck while the other snakes around his waist, pushing my hips into his. Standing on my tiptoes my mouth reaches his ear to whisper. “Because I promise I’m worth every penny.”  
I pull away slightly, arching my back so our eyes meet. I tilt up my chin, giving him easy access to my lips and throat. His eyes flick down to my mouth as he unconsciously licks his lips. It’s mere moments before his mouth crushes onto mine and I smile as we continue towards his car. 

******************************************************

Entering the apartment I can hear Hannah crying and Sinead struggling to quiet her. I close the door with a firm turn of the lock and hang up my key, careful of the groceries loading up my arms. Pulling off my shoes Sinead walks up to me, bouncing Hannah on her hip. “Hey.”  
“Hey yourself.” I place the groceries on the small kitchen counter before turning around to focus on them. “Shouldn’t she be asleep?”  
Sinead turns to Hannah, still struggling to calm her, “Woke up in the night, poor thing.”  
“Here, let me have her.”  
Eagerly, Sinead deposits Hannah in my outstretched arms and focuses on putting away the groceries. I tuck Hannah’s head under my chin, shushing her and gently rubbing her back. “Hey baby, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re okay.” I keep mumbling softly under my breath as her tears quiet and she starts to slip back to sleep. Placing her in her crib she stirs but as I stroke her forehead slowly she stills and drifts back to unconsciousness.  
I return to the kitchen just as Sinead is finishing with the groceries. Turning to me she smiles, “Thanks for the help. And by the way it’s totally unfair how easy it is for you to calm her.”  
I yawn and stretch, fingertips almost reaching the low-lying ceiling. “I just have a lot of practice I guess.”  
Her eyes soften and she nods, quickly changing the subject. “So how was it?”  
I shrug, leaning against the fridge as I fiddle with my finger nails, “The usual I guess. Promoting at the clubs can be exhausting.”  
She nods and starts to walk past me to her room. At the door she turns around to me, “Take a shower. You stink of sweat and booze.”  
My throat hitches but she continues back to bed. Exhausted I pull myself into the bathroom, stripping at the mirror to see any damage. The bruise spreading across my hip is unfortunate, but the hickey at the base of my throat is more likely to prove problematic if anyone sees it. I shower quickly, removing all evidence of the man from the corner except the bruises coloring my pale skin. All in all a successful night.  
I stumble to the couch, pulling out the spare blanket and pillow. Within a few moments sleep finds me.

******************************************************

It’s the crack of dawn when Hannah begins to cry again and the apartment starts to come alive. Sinead is up soothing her and pulling her from the crib and Ste is starting to wake up in the adjacent room. I desperately try to cling to any semblance of the peaceful dream but that eludes me once Ste gets out of his room, wearing an undershirt and a pair of loose sweatpants. I pretend not to notice him but he does not extend the same courtesy to me.  
“Come on Harry, time for breakfast.” He shakes my leg as he passes and dodges my weak kick, laughing as he moves into the kitchen. I’m still tired even after a few hours sleep and I merely turn over, pressing my face into the couch, trying to drift back to rest even if it’s only for a few precious moments.  
Ste’s having none of that though. Once he starts the coffee he moves back to me, shaking my shoulder and laughing at my weak attempts to fight him off. “Come on, we’ve got to get to work soon. Wake up.”  
I turn around to face him, and judging from his chuckle my annoyed face doesn’t portray the seriousness I had hoped to convey. He grabs my cheek and pinches it playfully. I bat him off but he grabs the blanket and starts pulling it down from my chin. I try unsuccessfully to yank it up.  
“Come off it Ste,” Sinead exits her room with Hannah, “the easiest way to get Harry up is to hand him his favorite little cousin.”  
Hannah is cooing adorably and I can’t help but sit up as Sinead pushes her towards me.  
“What’s that then?” says Ste, entirely ignoring Hannah and pointing at the bandage covering the hickey from last night. My hand moves instinctively to cover it but I try and shrug it off.  
“Nothing, just uh, cut myself shaving.”  
“Well you’re a terrible liar, for one,” says Ste, “also, I don’t think you even own a razor and you better not have been using mine.”  
At a loss for words Sinead steps in to save me, “Hey Ste, don’t you both have to get going to work? The apartment’s not going to pay for itself.”  
He mutters to himself and still eying me continues to make breakfast.  
I hand Hannah back to Sinead and mouth thank you. She nods and pulls up closer to me, “You will tell me what happened though right?”  
I smile tightly and nod, hoping I can think of some logical explanation by the time I get off. As Ste and Sinead busy themselves with breakfast I hurry and change, pulling on the bright blue button up shirt and black slacks for work. Extremely grateful that the collar covers the bandage and hickey completely. We eat breakfast quickly and leave Hannah and Sinead as Ste and I jump in his car and head to work.  
The restaurant is dark as we pull in the parking lot. “So, where were you last night?” Ste’s been trying to sneakily figure out about the bandage the entire drive.  
“I was out promoting at the clubs, I got in late. That’s it.”  
I can almost feel him thinking as he walks up and unlocks the doors. I start turning on the lights and the equipment as he makes the rounds and checks on the food prepped in the kitchen. I’m checking the menus and straightening the silverware when he comes up behind me, placing a hand on the table that I’m trying to readjust. I jump up and turn around as he puts his other hand on my other side, trapping me between him and the table.  
My breath hitches as he leans over me, eyes intent on my own. “So you got hurt at work. What happened?” His eyes look darker than I’ve ever seen them as he waits for my response.  
My voice escapes me and I can barely respond, “Nothing happened.”  
He looks at my neck as if deciding something. “Let me see.”  
“No!” my hands fly to the hickey but he stops one of them in his left hand, his right moving up to the buttons at my throat so he can see the bandage. I push against him but he’s so focused as he undoes a couple of the top-most buttons, exposing my throat and the bandages covered by my hand. He forces away my wrist and makes to remove the cover. His fingers rough on my neck he’s about to see it as I fight against him.  
There’s a cough as Tony, the owner, walks in. “Am I interrupting something?”  
Ste pulls back and I take the opportunity to quickly do up the top two button of my collar and step out from the table and away from Ste. “No, of course not sir.” My face is fire truck red as I move to another table, fiddling with the menu placement along the cream colored cloth.  
“Okay.” Tony still looks suspicious but he continues on, talking to Ste and making sure everything is ready for the morning rush. I can finally breathe easy once they move into the kitchen leaving me alone. My heart’s beating like mad and I’m trying to slow it down as I go about my normal daily activities. The nerve of some people! Ste touching me like that, but even lying to myself I know a part of me enjoyed the intimacy of that moment and how much he seemed to care about my “injury.”  
It’s a slow morning but I busy myself with the few customers, careful to avoid Ste. I can tell he wants to talk to me about what happened but Tony’s right there and I don’t give Ste the chance. As our shift nears completion I still have yet to come up with an acceptable lie about the bandage and I slightly panic when Tony waves us off and we enter Ste’s car.  
The silence is palpable as Ste starts the engine and moves the car to drive, pulling out of the parking lot and starting the journey home. We’re almost halfway there before either of us say a word. “I’m sorry.”  
I turn all the way to look at him, not sure I heard him correctly.  
“I’m sorry I tried to force you to tell me what happened. I just worry sometimes. You know Sinead, how much she cares about you. I don’t want to see her get hurt.”  
Of course he cares about Sinead. Tears sting behind my eyes and I’m not sure what to do as I blink them away, determined not to cry for such a silly reason. That I had thought maybe he had worried about me. That he, for some inexplicable reason, had cared about me.  
I clear my throat, “I’m fine.”  
He glances over, clearly miffed, “Look, that’s not to say it’s excusable what I did, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”  
“Yeah. I get it. Don’t worry, I’m fine.”  
He seems at a loss for words so we just keep driving in silence until we reach the apartments’ parking lot. The trek up the stairs is awkward but coming home is always pleasant. I I pull off my shoes and head to the main living area to see Sinead and Hannah as Ste moves into the kitchen to cook dinner.  
“Hello my loves” I lean down and kiss Hannah on the head before slouching down to sit cross-legged on the floor next to Sinead.  
“You have a good day?”  
“Eh. Work is work. Tony’s alright and all but sometimes the customers can be kind of crazy.” I remember last week when some teenagers came in and tried to tip me in sugar packets. Bizarre.  
“Well we’ve had a great day, haven’t we Hannah?” Her voice gets all high and squeaky when talking to the baby but Hannah laughs so it’s worth it.  
“I’m glad. What have you been up to?”  
“Well we went to the park to get some fresh air and there we-” my mind wanders as she discusses her day. My eyes drawn to the kitchen and to Ste’s direction, wondering why he can be so infuriating.  
“Oi!” My gaze shoots back to Sinead who is looking very smug. “You promised to tell me what happened with that bandage on your neck.”  
I sigh, but yield knowing she’ll get her way eventually. “You can’t make a big deal about it, but I, I got a hickey.”  
“What?”  
Her exclamation is loud enough that Ste peaks his head out of the kitchen in curiosity. “What’s wrong?”  
I hurry and interrupt Sinead, “Nothing.”  
Ste appears obviously annoyed but he returns to the kitchen, a sour expression on his face.  
“I don’t want him to know.”  
“Why not? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”  
“It was a one-time thing. It’s not going to happen again.” I make a mental note to make sure none of my clients mark me up again. At least not where it’s noticeable.  
“Well at least tell me her name.”  
My mouth pop but nothing comes out for a second. I swallow dryly but continue, voice lower than before. “It was a guy actually.”  
Her eyes widen ever so slightly but she looks at me, suddenly serious. “You know, I always thought you’d swing that way.”  
I almost start chuckling but she continues, “ ‘Cause you know that I am down with the gays.”  
“Yeah yeah I know. I just don’t want other people knowing.”  
“Okay, I get that but no one’s going to be judging you. This isn’t high school Harry. Yeah some people won’t understand but that’s their problem. Plus, you can always talk to Ste. Coming out was one of the best things that ever happened to him.”  
“I understand, it’s just that I’m not ready.”  
“You know, he may be blind but I’m not. You like Ste, don’t you?”  
“No, of course not.” But the blush coloring my cheeks is a dead give away.  
“Come on, I’m your cousin. You can trust me.”  
“I do trust you. I just don’t trust that mouth of yours.” She merely continues to look at me, expectantly. “Fine. It’s not like I really like him, or whatever. I just, kind of, maybe like him a little.”  
She squeals and I shush her, glancing with anticipation at Ste in the kitchen. But he seems distracted with preparing dinner.  
“You have to go for it, oh I am so shipping you two!”  
“Look, it’s not like anything’s going to happen so relax.”  
“With me on your team you two are so going to get together.” She waves her arms in a goofy dance that I can’t help smiling at.  
“Just please, please don’t do anything. I don’t want things awkward between us all. I mean, we all live together.”  
“Exactly, it’s perfect!”  
I sigh in exasperation, “Please promise me you won’t do anything.”  
She huffs, “Fine, I won’t interfere.”  
“Thank you.”  
With a sly look in her eye she continues, “Go talk to him.”  
“No, I’m-”  
“Go talk to him or I’ll tell him.”  
“You wouldn’t.”  
“You’re right. Go talk to him or I’ll keep bugging you about it.”  
“Fine.” I get up, leaving Sinead’s attention to drift back to Hannah as I make my way into the kitchen to see Ste. “Anything I can do to help?”  
He looks up from the lettuce he’s tearing for a salad. “Um, yeah if you could, uh, set the table that would be great.”  
Hoping I’m not blushing too uncomfortably, I take the rest of the time carefully grabbing plates and utensils. Suddenly intensely aware of how small the kitchen is and how little space there is to move. Stepping out to the shabby table I’m relieved to get out of his personal space, even if Sinead glares at me.  
Once dinner is ready we all start eating. I hurry and scarf my food, exhausted and eager to get away from Sinead kicking me and looking pointedly at Ste. Not that it matters much, Ste seems completely distracted and out of it, barely eating anything. We both ignore Sinead and ignore her forced conversation until eventually she goes quiet. The silence is quiet and a little awkward so I’m relieved once I’m finished and can collect the plates.  
With dinner finished and the dishes done I get ready for my night job, hoping to come back a little earlier than yesterday (we had needed groceries). Just when I’m about to step out I hear Ste clear his throat behind me in the entryway. “Be safe.”  
“Yeah, I always am.”  
“I know, I just” he seems to be trying to pick his words carefully, “I don’t want to see you get hurt for our sake.”  
“Rather high opinion of yourself don’t you think?” I grin at him.  
He chuckles in response but grows serious. “You know what I mean. You do a lot for all of us and we’re grateful.” He steps forward, closer to the door, to me. “I’m grateful.”  
I wheel in my emotions before I can read too much into it and try to nonchalantly pull on my shoes. The effect instead makes me almost fall and I’m forced to cleave onto the wall in an attempt not to land in a massive heap on the floor.  
Smiling, he moves forward, placing his hand on the wall near my own.  
My breath hitches, but I don’t move my hand. As if by my own sheer will his fingers fold over mine and I can feel their warmth. The slow movement fascinates me. Usually all I’m used to is fast, rough and ragged but this delicate softness intrigues me as his skin dances on mine.  
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “I heard what you and Sinead were talking about while I was cooking.”  
I jolt back, but his hand still holds mine, pressed gently against the wall of the entrance, “Sinead really doesn’t know how to lower her voice. Plus, this apartment really is not that big.”  
I blush horribly and come to the uncomfortable conclusion that I have lost the ability of coherent speech.  
He grins cheekily and steps away, letting me breathe for just a minute, his hand never leaving my fingertips. After I’m able to slow down my galloping heartbeat he carefully says, “No pressure, just want you to know I’m very interested Harry.” With a gentle squeeze of his hand he releases me and cockily steps away, leaving me absolutely breathless.  
With just enough sense in my head to finish pulling on my shoes and popping out the door I let the stale stink of cigarettes and pot wash over me. Did that just happen? I knew I had a strong imagination but man that felt so real. My fingers still tingle, as if his touch somehow jolted my skin with an electric hum. With a goofy smile I press my hand to my mouth, almost dreaming of his lips on mine. Seeing the delicacy and grace of his movements in unison with my own. Stuttering and gasping as our hearts beat as one.  
I can just imagine myself in the dying light. Dopey grin and glazed eyes. With a few once overs I’m able to at least regain some of my composure before moving eagerly to the part of town no good folks go. 

******************************************************


	2. Chapter 2

I’m at the corner looking for my next client. Distracted, dreaming about Ste’s hand on my fingertips. I shiver from the memory and keep trying to focus on the cars passing and the men carousing but no one seems to catch my eye. Lost in thought I don’t notice a man coming up behind me until his fingers are rubbing the back of my head. Softly, deftly petting me. “You’ve cut your hair.”  
I recognize that voice and instantly freeze, seemingly unable to breathe as he draws in closer, breath tickling my ear, “I like it.”  
I shudder and pull slightly away but his other hand grabs my hips, pushing me until my back is against his chest. He clicks his tongue, “I taught you better than to upset a paying customer Harry.”  
His fingers in my hair turn hard as he grips the sensitive roots, yanking my head back, exposing my delicate throat. “Didn’t I?” His voice is low and it crawls into my soul, wracking shivers through me but I can’t move with one hand wrapped around my waist and one tight in my hair.  
With difficulty, I nod. He tuts and pulls my hair back even farther. His other hand crawls up my chest, nearing my collarbone and throat, “Use your words Harry.”  
I gasp but speak, “Yes James.”  
“Good boy.” He croons, fingers softly stroking my collar bone, deftly playing with the edge of my neckline. “Now come along. I’ve got a car waiting.” 

******************************************************

Hours later James still has me. I can almost feel where he touched me, as if it’s somehow left visible lines scarring my skin. I’m shivering it’s so cold in the expensive hotel room. It’s almost as if he’s paying extra just to keep me uncomfortable. He’s in front of me. Drinking champagne and staring out the window with the city sparkling beneath. Sitting on the foot of the bed isn’t comfortable but I’m determined to avoid any more of his scrutiny. He put me there and he doesn’t want me to move.  
Being all too familiar with him I can barely contain myself from trying to run. Every few minutes he takes a sip of his drink, staring pensively at the scene below him. We’ve had about 20 minutes of silence and my back screams from cowering. “Why’d you run Harry?”   
His voice is quiet and calm but I recognize the steel in it. “You know why.” It’s a whisper but I’m certain he hears me.  
As he chuckles dryly my fingers grip into the comforter tucked under me. Tensing and waiting for his move.  
Even though I’m expecting it, the blow is a shock. One minute I’m on the bed and the next the floor. It’s a nice floor honestly. Soft carpet helps to protect my landing. The back of my head stings something awful as he continues.  
“I expected better from you Harry. Forgetting your manners like that,” he tuts and steps to stand above my sprawled form, “it’s unacceptable.”  
He kicks me hard in the stomach and the air escapes from my lungs. Leaving me breathless and coughing. He turns around again and leaves me wheezing on the floor at the base of the bed. His expression is pensive as he takes another sip of the champagne, eying me calmly as I catch my breath. Once I’m breathing regularly he sits down on the foot of the bed, casually leaning back. “Sit up.”  
I cower on the floor but manage to sit up, curling into myself to hopefully avoid any more of his blows. He sighs impatiently, “Look at me Harry.”  
It takes everything I have to obey him but my eyes land on his. “Now let’s discuss this civilly. Why did you run?”  
I lick my lips to moisten then and let out a weak whisper, “I couldn’t handle it anymore.”  
His arm raises warningly so I rush to continue. “I couldn’t handle being in the house anymore. It all was just getting too hard.”  
My words die in my throat when I see his expression, “But selling yourself on some street corner like common trash is more livable I take it. I never let them mark you up like that.” He nods towards the bruises still staining my hips and I instinctively move to try and cover them up.  
I shudder and whimper out, “I can see my family here.”  
“Like the one you had back at the house? Weren’t we your family Harry?” I flinch but he continues, softly moving his fingers to stroke my clenched arms, “Wasn’t I your family?”  
I jolt back as if electrocuted, escaping his reach. James looks frustrated but he doesn’t move closer to me.  
“Or you could have invited them to come visit if you wanted to see them so badly.”  
I turn downward, blushing horribly.  
“They still don’t know, do they? How you spend your nights.”  
I shake my head, eyes unable to meet his.  
He sighs, “Then you could have gone to visit them if that’s so important to you. You just disappeared out of nowhere. I was worried you got hurt or kidnapped and dumped in some ditch. Alex was so worked up I couldn’t get anything done for days.”  
A pang rings through my heart when I remember him. Cocky and cool he always was there to tease and teach me. James continues, “Of course Grace told everyone you must have ran away. Said you got cold feet.”  
I remember her long blond hair, always immaculately placed. I recognise her words all too well. Her eyes would flash their vivid blue whenever she’d criticize me, which was often.  
“But you see,” my thoughts of the past are drawn back to James sitting above me on the hotel bed, “Zach and Holly seemed almost calm about the whole thing. They insisted you were fine. And then of course there was Sami-”  
“Don’t talk about him.” My voice is low and quiet, escaping my lips with a surprising force.  
He seems taken aback but skips over whatever he was going to say. “Everyone misses you. I miss you Harry.” His expression is open and honest. Eyes wide, pleading and promising everything from before. It makes me sick.  
I force myself to look away from him, to the door of the hotel room, “My family will be missing me.”  
He scoffs, “Like you’ve never had any late nights.”  
I shrug and lean back, continuing to stare pointedly at the exit. Determined not to let him trap me in the past. After a few moments he sighs, “Come here Harry.”  
I balk at first but force myself to enter his outstretched arms. He pulls up my legs so I’m sitting across his lap and he gently leads my head to rest against the base of his neck. I hate myself but his embrace feels good. As if just by breathing in his presence he somehow is weakening my natural defenses. His fingers stroke up my spine and my body shudders before loosening under his delicate touch. James always had this effect on me, to calm me. Relax me. Keep me. Break me.  
I jerk back into myself and stiffly allow his touch until he seems content. He lets me up, easing me off of him and towards the rest of my clothes. With a nod from him I pull back on my shirt, coat and pants, noticing all too well how his eyes track my every move. Once I’m ready he gestures for me to come closer. I step to where he’s still sitting on the bed and he grabs my chin, placing a chaste kiss under my jaw before planting a matching one on my lips. He pushes me back and I stumble towards the door.  
“Oh Harry?” I partially turn at the door as he throws a brown paper bag at me. I barely catch it as he chuckles. “That belongs to you.”  
I carefully pull open the paper to see the stacks of bills wrapped in thick rubber bands. My mouth pops open and I can only stare dumbfounded. I’ve never seen so much money. It has to be close to $10,000. “I’ll be seeing you soon.”  
Shuddering slightly at the threat I continue out of the door and down the elevator to the street. It must be close to 3:30 am. Clutching the money I walk quickly from the hotel to the apartment, eager to avoid being seen or mugged. My mind buzzes but no thoughts actually form in the hissing fog. Once home, I mechanically remove my shoes and coat, get ready for bed and lay down, tucking the bills under the cushion of the couch. Although I’ve been up for over 20 hours sleep eludes me. The memories from the hotel and the ghosts from my past seem to creep in and claw at my control.  
I’m not sure how, but eventually I drift off to sleep. 

******************************************************

“Hey, wake up sleepy head!” He grabs my chin and I instinctively lash out, slapping at him. James.  
“Oi, Avery, chill out man.”  
My eyes flash open. Ste. I force the muscles in my back to relax and allow myself to smile at him in the bright early morning. “Hey.”  
He laughs and crouches down to be able to look at me eye to eye, “Hey.” I adore the softness in his voice.  
His fingers gently drift towards mine and I clutch them softly. His other hand slowly and deftly strokes down my cheek, thumb grazing my lips.  
“Good morning you two!” Sinead bursts out of her room with Hannah positioned securely on her hip. Ste jumps back while I blush furiously. Ste’s laughing, embarrassed by his reaction. Sinead looks smug as she walks into the kitchen, “Looks like I’m making breakfast!”  
The regularity is disorienting. As if the whole world should have somehow changed now that James knows where I am. As if Ste shouldn’t be holding Hannah and making her laugh. That Sinead shouldn’t be complaining about preparing the food and trying to shoot me knowing glances. Like Ste couldn’t be sending me smiles and helping Sinead in the kitchen. It’s like the entire thing must have been some sort of dream. The morning’s so regular that it’s almost impossible for me to believe the reality of last night. But the aching muscles and the bag of bills are there as a stiff assurance that indeed the unthinkable has happened. James has found me.  
In the bathroom my hands are shaking so hard that I can’t do up the buttons on my work shirt. I grip the counter top to try and stop my tremors but I can’t stop shuddering. Focusing on my breathing I realize with a panic that I’m starting to hyperventilate. The light in the bathroom is too bright. Struggling to maintain control I lower myself to the ground, leaning against the wall next to the sink. One hand is over my heart while the other is covering my mouth, trying to stop the ragged breaths tearing through my chest. It takes all of my control to hold in the sobs and force my body to ride out the anxiety pushing itself into my body. I can’t allow James to have me. He’ll bring me back to where I was, to who I was. I will not let him own me again.  
It’s probably only a few minutes later, but it feels like eternity. I’m on the ground, exhausted. Breathing hurts as the dry air enters my abused throat and chest. My fingers are on my pulse as I will my heart rate to slow down. I force myself to take deep, slow breaths. Counting the seconds and struggling to maintain control of the oxygen entering my body. With effort, my breathing returns to normal and I’m able to sit up from the floor.  
Sinead banging on the door makes me jump, “Hurry up, breakfast is ready!”  
I straighten my shirt and force my clumsy fingers to do up the buttons. Using all of my strength I claw myself up from the floor and open the door with a smile on my face, determined to continue my day. 

******************************************************

Work is exhausting. The last few days I’ve barely slept and it’s starting to wear on me. I can see Ste’s worry and I shrug it off. But once I realize Tony’s noticed my inability to focus I know it’s a problem. He’s waiting for me at the counter with the freshly finished plates. “Hey Harry, are you okay? You seem off.”  
I nod as Tony continues, “Look, if you need to sit down for a minute of something-”  
I cut him off, “No, I’m fine. Promise, just a little tired.”  
He looks worried but allows me to carry the order of food, “Well just take care of yourself.”  
My shift is absolutely excruciating as the minutes tick by. Tony’s anxious looks and Ste’s scrutiny have me so on edge I feel like everyone’s watching me. The ache in my head and the pain rippling from James’ kick almost make me cry out when I bend to pick up a spoon a child dropped.  
In a quiet lull I find myself leaning against the wall, eyes closed so the world will stop spinning. “What’s wrong?” Ste sidles up to me and I realise I’m swaying slightly.  
Breathing deeply I force myself to open my eyes and look into his, smile plastered on my face. “Nothing.”  
“Come on, talk to me. What’s up?”  
I sigh and dizzily try to support myself on the solid wall, “I’m just tired. Haven’t slept much the last few nights.”  
He leans against the wall right next to me and I gently put my shoulder against his, stabilizing myself as best as I can when my knees feel like they’re about to give out and send me sprawling to the floor.  
“Here, sit down for a minute. I’m sure Tony won’t mind.”  
I shake my head weakly but he maneuvers me, despite my frail resistance, to sit down at one of the empty tables. I feel like crap. “Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.”  
“I’m fine.”  
“Just do as I say.”  
Exhausted, I obey. Oh sitting down is such a bad idea. Despite the aches and pains in my body I can still feel the delicious tug of rest. I try to keep myself awake but all I can do is barely resurface before being pulled back under again. The warmth on my fingers is comforting. Soothing like a blanket.  
“Is he okay?” Tony’s voice makes me jolt up but I can’t quite remember how to open my eyes.  
“I think so. Probably just tired.”  
The conversation seems to drift beyond reach. Hazy and floating in front of me, fingers too slow and weak to catch the escaping words.  
“Come on Harry, let’s go.” My eyes flash open as I’m pulled gently to my feet.  
“What? But work-”  
“It’s okay. Our shifts are almost over anyways. Tony says it’s fine.”  
I nod weakly and Ste half leads, half drags me out the door and to his parked car. I’m exhausted and my legs seems to be refusing to hold me up to walk in a straight line. Once we’re in the car and driving Ste let’s me fully sleep. 

******************************************************

Walking up the apartment stairs is a foggy memory. My feet could barely move and Ste kept having to grab onto me to prevent me from tumbling backwards down the defeated steps. A few times his heroic attempts would rub against where James kicked me and I’d let out an instinctive hiss. The pain made me just lucid enough to tell Ste that it was nothing. The battle won, I was allowed to collapse on the couch and finally sleep.  
My body is stiff as I’m entering conscious thought. I can tell that it’s been a few hours based on the burning light shining into the apartment from the setting sun. I stretch out just a bit before pulling myself to sit up-right. The dizziness is unpleasant but not unmanageable. My head is still spinning but I’m able to get up, hanging onto the couch to remain standing. “Hey, are you okay?”  
And there’s Ste, stepping out of the kitchen, drying his hands on our worn dish towel. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”  
He nods and folds his arms as he leans against the fridge, “You sure?”  
“Yeah, I feel a lot better now.” It’s at least partially true. My head feels less fuzzy, even if it does sting where James struck me. But James’ kick still makes me want to curl up and cry.  
I can see him eying me up and down, checking and verifying my honesty. I balk at his scrutiny. “I’m going to go change.”  
He waves me on, “Yeah of course. I’ll get you some food.”  
I nod appreciatively and move to the safety of the bathroom. Once there I allow myself to inspect the damages done to my body. The bruises on my hips at least look a little less like hand prints and more like a spattering of color. The kick has turned to an even angrier shade of purple and seems to have spread across my stomach. Even grazing it makes me want to cry out. The hickey is safely covered by the bandage, so once I discard my button up work shirt for the comfortable tank-top the mark is still hidden.  
Once I’m ready, I step out of the room to see Ste sitting on the couch, flipping lazily through TV channels. “I warmed you up some food in the kitchen.”  
“Thanks.” I move to the kitchen and take a bite of the left-over pasta. Immediately I’m reminded that I’m starving and quickly scarf down the rest of the food. I place the dishes in the sink and start the water to wash them.  
“Just leave the dishes in the sink, I’ll wash them later.”  
I obey semi-reluctantly but move into the living room where Ste has landed the TV on a cooking show. I suddenly feel so much more awkward than I ever have around Ste. Normally I’d just sit where ever and watch with him but now it feels so much more nerve wracking. Do I sit right by him on the couch? On the other side? Should I pull a chair from the kitchen table so he doesn’t feel awkward?  
I end up sitting on the farthest edge away from Ste, noticing that he’s folded up my blanket and placed it with my pillow on top of my bulging suitcase. I sit down and let my eyes focus on the television, until I realize something I should have noticed as soon as I woke up, “Where’s Hannah and Sinead?”  
Ste chuckles and pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. On it I read Sinead’s hand writing, “Booked in a favor so we’re staying the night at a friends. Have a romantic time you two and don’t make too much of a mess!” Below is a somewhat crude drawing which makes me blush. I cough uncomfortably and hand back the paper to Ste who looks equally embarrassed.  
“Sometimes I can’t believe I’m related to her.” I chuckle awkwardly.  
“She means well.”  
“Yeah, of course. Just, wow.”  
“I know.”  
There’s an awkward pause and I can feel the tension mounting between us. I can’t even pay attention to the ending cooking show as I feel my pulse kick up a notch. He can’t see the bruises. That would bring up too many questions I’m unwilling to answer. My breathing speeds up as the program ends and Ste grabs the remote. I’m nearing panic when he turns to me.  
“Look at me Harry.” I cautiously turn to him, remote still held loosely in one hand his other he holds up, as if trying to soothe a startled animal. “We don’t have to do anything tonight, or ever if you don’t want. I’m not going to force myself on you or anything.”  
His eyes are honest and I make my shoulders relax, muscles still tight with anxiety. I nod and watch him as he settles back into the couch, eyes on the screen. As the show continues I find my gaze drawn to him. His cheekbones, his jaw, his eyes. Once or twice he catches me and gives me a smile. Blushing furiously I direct my attention back to the show, hoping to erase the awkwardness.  
I’d normally be going to my night job about now, but with the bruising and the possibility of running into James I stay rooted on the couch with Ste. I remember all too well how James enjoyed teaching me his lessons. Seeing his stain painting my skin would just make him even more eager to mark me as his property. Something I’d much prefer to leave in the past.  
It’s completely dark as the program draws to a close, and despite my nap I still feel exhaustion resting heavily on my eyelids. “Harry?”  
I look at him and his eyes are eager, earnest and also hesitant. “Tomorrow’s our day off and I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me.”  
The smile spreading across my face is answer enough but I respond in a breathless whisper, “Yeah.”  
His smile is positively brilliant and I can’t help but eyeing his perfect lips. It’d feel so good to push into him, steal his warmth and utterly lose myself in the sensation of his touch. I draw myself back in before I do anything I’ll regret.  
“Well, good night.” He stands up and moves towards his room.  
“Hey Ste?”  
He pauses, “Yeah?”  
“Thanks for tonight. I really enjoyed it.”  
“You’re welcome. I did too.” And with that he’s in his room, light peeking out from under the door.  
I almost want to giggle I’m feeling so giddy. I can’t believe I’m going out on a date! Not counting my night job I haven’t been with a guy in ages! Plus the idea of caring about someone and having them care about me is utterly intoxicating. Not sneaking around, being able to be open and proud of who I’m with. But of course I’m getting ahead of myself. For all I know it’ll be one date and done. Even then it’s hard to sleep. I blame my nap, but Ste’s the one swimming in my head as I struggle to drift off to dreaming. 

******************************************************


	3. Chapter 3

“Aww come on.”  
I jolt up as Sinead bursts through the front door, Hannah in her stroller, arms full of luggage. I leap up to help her into the apartment as Sinead glares at me. “You didn’t even do anything, did you?”  
I grab her bags and look to her, pleading, “Look, you’re my cousin and I love you, don’t do that again.”  
“What do you mean? I just wanted to get out of your way so you two could have a good time.”  
“I know exactly what you were doing and don’t, okay?”  
She grimaces as we push everything into her room, laying all her bags onto her unmade bed.  
“Fine. I guess I’ll wait till you’re ready.” She looks at me suggestively and I swat at her.  
“Don’t! It just made things more awkward.”  
“Fine. Whatever. Guess I just wasted a perfectly good favor for nothing.”  
I sigh, exhausted at her antics as she puts away her things and gathers Hannah into her arms. “Why did you even pack so much? Weren’t you only gone for one night?”  
“You try traveling with a baby. You need way more stuff. Is Ste in?”  
I shrug, “You woke me up. I don’t know.”  
“Oooh, go check! Wait!” She stops me as I turn around, pulling on my top and trying to rearrange my clothes. Her fingers brush dangerously close to my bruises and I pull back, jumping away from her.  
“Calm down Sinead!”  
She huffs, folding her arms and pouting, “Fine.”  
I exit her room, careful to close the door behind me. I can’t believe her sometimes. Such a busy body! I’m surprised by how frustrated and grateful I am to her. Not that I want her to continue pushing Ste and I of course. But it’s a relief to have someone who feels like they actually care without getting something out of it. Like with James. It makes me shudder to remember the lessons he pounded in me day after day. Everybody wants something.  
Swallowing back bitter memories I pad up to Ste’s room and knock quietly, “Come in.”  
I slowly open the door and cautiously step into the darkened room. Ste’s still in bed, but he sits up when I enter. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”  
“Don’t worry about it.” he stands up and stretches noisily. I can’t help my eyes being drawn to his bare skin as his arms reach towards the low lying ceiling. He moves over for his phone and glances at the time, “I needed to get up anyway.”  
“Uh, yeah um.” I struggle to recall my thoughts, “So Sinead and Hannah are back.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah. Loud as ever.”  
I’m distracted as he pulls on a shirt from off the floor. He chuckles when he sees me staring and I hurriedly look away.  
“You can come in you know.”  
I nod and gently pull fully into the room, letting the soft click of the door reverberate through my head. And now I’m alone with Ste. The room is still dark, sunlight barely peeking through the slotted blinds that block out the harsh glare. I lean back against the door and breathlessly watch as he gets up and mechanically starts making his bed. A part of me wants to help but I’m absorbed by his motion in the near blackness.  
“So how’d you sleep?”  
“Uh good, yeah uh great.” I’m mentally kicking myself as I tear my eyes off of Ste and his coordinated movements. I can’t believe he’s making me act this way.  
“Are you feeling better than yesterday?”  
“Yeah, much better. Thank you.”  
“Good. I’m glad.”  
I let the conversation stall as Ste finishes making his bed and turns to me, “So, are you free around 3:00 today?”  
My throat is dry but I manage to choke out something understandable after clearing it a couple times, “Yeah.”  
“Wonderful. I’m thinking about taking you to this carnival that’s in town. I’ve been meaning to go and I think it’ll be the perfect place for our first date.”  
I am on cloud nine. A date! At a carnival, with Ste. “Yeah, that sounds great.”  
“Well I’m glad.”  
He moves up towards the door, to me and my breath hitches ever so slightly. It’s dizzying how intoxicated he can make me feel. I’m leaning against the door to his bedroom as he pulls up nearer to me, close enough that my fingers could graze his chest and wind themselves in the fabric of his shirt. So close that I could reach out and kiss him, and eying his lips I am sorely tempted. One of his hands drifts out to hold onto my fingers that are still resting gently on the door knob while his other hand presses itself against the wooden door on the other side of my head. He leans in, excruciatingly slow and I don’t move away. I’m holding my breath as his body moves closer to my own and I can literally feel my will power crumble beneath my desire to have Ste take me right here and now.  
“Oi, Avery?”  
Sinead’s voice makes me jump, but Ste remains perfectly still, hand gripping my own, his face mere inches from mine. Mustering all my control I tear my eyes away from Ste’s lips and turn my head to the side to call out to Sinead, “Yeah?”  
“Is Ste here or what? I was thinking about making breakfast.”  
In my confined position I can barely call out to her, “Yeah, he’s here.”  
Sinead pauses a moment, “Well take your time in there.” and then she goes conspicuously quiet.  
Oh I hate her so much. But I also love her. I laugh awkwardly as I turn back to Ste, still holding close to me. I know I should want to. I could lean those last few inches and give into that side of me that wants him right now. No matter the consequences. Even with the bruises coloring my body, even with the unanswerable questions. But right now all I want is to steal his warmth and carve something of his across my skin. This part of me that takes over whenever I’m at my night job, there’s no emotion. Being with him right now would mean nothing. And I refuse to do that to Ste. To do that to myself when we could potentially have so much more. Be so much more. I’m not ready to exchange that for some meaningless fling. Not yet anyway.  
I move my free hand up to Ste’s cheek, I adore how he turns ever so slightly into the warmth of my palm. His eyes are glued on mine as I whisper, “We should probably go help Sinead.”  
He nods, looking at me for a moment before pulling back. It scares me. It’s almost as if he can read the desire written plainly across my face, but he yields to me. “You’re right.”  
He tries to turn away but I use my hand to redirect his gaze to land on my own. “Later.”  
“When you’re ready.”  
He gently squeezes my fingers and turns the knob, pushing open the door and letting me into the living room ahead of him. I pass out of his room as his hand stays stuck on mine, only releasing after a few moments. I already miss his warmth.  
I pick up Hannah on our way to the kitchen where Sinead is starting to make eggs. She glares at us when we enter, “I told you guys to take your time.”  
“We figured you’d like some help, what with watching Hannah and all.”  
“Fine. Buy y’all can’t say I’m not trying to help.”  
I sigh and bounce Hannah up and down on my hip, “Yes Sinead, you’ve been very helpful.”  
Ste moves over to the sink where last night’s dishes are waiting and he starts to wash them. He eyes me but talks to Sinead, “Besides, we all remember the last time you made breakfast by yourself. Nearly burned the apartment down.”  
I try to hide my chuckle in a nervous cough.  
“It was one stupid fire alarm! Nothing was even damaged!”  
“Of course Sinead.”  
She scowls at his teasing grin and throws down the frying pan a little rougher than necessary onto the stove. “Fine. Perfect reason for you to make breakfast. Come on Harry.”  
With one last glare at Ste she grabs me by the arm and pulls Hannah and I firmly into the living room out of Ste’s view.  
“Phew, I hate cooking.”  
I chuckle at her relief, “Yeah, we all know.”  
She sticks out her tongue at me before sitting down onto the floor and indicating that I do the same. I follow suit carefully, mindful of Hannah in my arms. “So, tell me everything about last night!”  
I sigh heavily, “It was fine. I spent almost all of it passed out anyway.”  
“Why? What happened?”  
“Well I mostly just slept.” I give her the rundown of work and being exhausted and the following events quickly. “All we did was watch some TV.”  
“You just watched TV? Oh Harry you are killing me here!”  
“Look Sinead, I love you, I really do, but leave it alone. Okay?”  
She looks unconvinced so I continue, “Please? For my sake? For my sanity?”  
“Fine.” She turns her full attention to entertaining Hannah, completely ignoring me and Ste preparing food in the kitchen.  
Sometimes Sinead can be completely exhausting, but I do admire how much she cares. Even if it can be extremely tedious.  
It’s uncomfortable as we eat breakfast together. Sinead is purposefully not paying attention to Ste or me, solely looking at Hannah and helping her eat. It’s an awkward silence until Ste clears his throat, “So Sinead, any plans for today?”  
She looks at him, slightly peeved, “Nothing much. Maybe go round the park or the zoo.”  
“I was thinking about taking Hannah out for a few hours if you don’t mind.”  
Sinead’s face lights up, “Yeah, that’d be great! How about after her nap?”  
“Sure. Sounds perfect.”  
“Where are you thinking of going?” I interject.  
Ste turns to me, “I wanted to check out the carnival before our date and spend some time with Hannah, I feel like it’s been a while.” He affectionately tickles Hannah and she laughs sweetly.  
“Wait, you two are going on a date?!”  
I sigh heavily before answering, “Yes Sinead, at 3:00.”  
“Oi, why the sigh? It’s not like I’m going to follow you two or anything. Honestly who do you think I am?” she swats at me and I let her hit my arm.  
Ste smiles at both of us, “Here, I’ll take the dishes.”  
I start to gather my plate but he hurriedly grabs it before I can get up, “I got it.”  
I let him take them from my hands as I blush, looking at Sinead who’s gathering Hannah and trying to clean her and her high chair up. Hannah has made such a mess, with eggs down her front and all on the floor.  
“Here, I’ll go get the broom.” I offer.  
“Nah, scrambled eggs are the worst to sweep up. Don’t worry about it.”  
“Okay.” I feel awkward not helping out. I know it’s only been a few months since I moved in but sometimes I feel like I’m still the guest somehow. It doesn’t help that Ste is the kindest man I’ve encountered and that Sinead is the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. But I enjoy helping, even if it is something small. I never got to do that much at the house.  
I get up after Sinead brings Hannah into the living room and start cleaning up the eggs that have fallen to the floor. I’m on my hands and knees trying to gather all of the cold, yellow pieces that somehow seem to stick to the cheap linoleum. “Here’s a towel.”  
Graciously, I accept the wet rag Ste hands to me as he’s finishing clearing up the table and wiping it down. It makes the job easier so I’m done before Sinead comes back. “I was planning on doing that.”  
“I know, I just wanted to help.”  
“Well thanks.” she returns back to Hannah as I go to clean off the rag in the kitchen sink.  
Ste’s there doing the dishes, “Here,” he holds out his hand and I give him the dirty rag, “You can go sit down with Sinead.”  
“How about I help you?”  
“You want to do the dishes?” He looks at me incredulously.  
“Sure.”  
“Fine, whatever you want.” He dries off his hands and moves his attention to putting away the food still sitting on the counter.  
I push my hands into the soapy water and start scrubbing up a lather to wash the remaining dishes. I’ve always loved the feeling of the hot bubbles and the suds on my skin. I also adore being able to be useful to someone besides in some superficial way. Of helping in a way that I wasn’t able to before. It’s liberating to wash away the waste and restore the cleanliness. It’s almost therapeutic in a way. The only thing that’s even somewhat difficult is the frying pan where the eggs were cooked, but even that comes off without too much effort. If only that were true for everything. If all the dirty, disgusting things could be washed off completely.  
I shudder back into myself as I’m finishing with the last of the dishes, letting the water drain and rinsing off the soap from my hands.  
“Thanks for helping.” Ste hands me a dry towel as he leans against the counter opposite me.  
“Thanks for letting me help.”  
“So, you excited for our date?”  
I can’t contain my smile but try and remain aloof, “Yeah. It’ll be fun.”  
“Well I’m glad you think so, come on, let’s go see how Sinead is doing.”  
We can hear Hannah crying but Sinead is sitting nonchalantly on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. “She keeps not wanting to take a nap but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Plus she didn’t sleep very well last night. New place and all that.”  
I nod and move over to my suitcase on the side of the couch, rifling through it to find an outfit to change into. Ste sits down right above me and it takes everything in me not to shudder, remember James looking down on me in that hotel room. I know it’s not the same but it still makes me panic for just a second. I look up nervously but Ste seems distracted by the television and by Hannah’s continued cries from the other room. Forcing myself to relax I grab a random shirt and a pair of khaki shorts and move into the bathroom to change.  
When I come out Hannah is sitting on Sinead’s lap, seemingly content as Ste is gathering her things. I sit down next to her on the couch, “I thought she was going to take a nap.”  
“She wouldn’t sleep. So hopefully going out with Ste will wear her out. Plus, I hate hearing her cry.”  
I nod appreciatively as Ste moves into the room, diaper bag slung across his shoulders and stroller ready. Sinead carefully places Hannah into the seat and straps her in gently. “I love you baby girl. Now be nice for daddy and have fun.” Sinead continues to coo at her while grilling Ste, making sure he has everything he needs.  
Once Sinead is thoroughly satisfied Ste is able to make it out the door, giving me one last look before disappearing.  
Sinead turns around and looks me up and down, a slight purse to her lips. “What?” I ask, dreading her response.  
“There’s no way I’m letting you wear that to your first date with Ste.” 

******************************************************

“No. Absolutely not.”  
“Come on! Just one more outfit.”  
I look down at the mess spread across the living room floor, all of my shirts are thrown around and litter the ground like garbage, “Sinead, I have literally tried on everything I own.”  
She wrinkles her nose and looks at me disdainfully, “We need to go shopping sometime then. Definitely before your next date. We’ll get you something real nice.”  
“No.” I shudder slightly but try to brush it off while drawing my focus back to Sinead’s scrutiny, “So, how do I look?”  
She looks me up and down, a slight frown on her face. It’s a simple outfit. A pair of slacks and one of my many button up shirts. Then a nice comfortable sweatshirt thrown over it. I wait while she evaluates.  
“Lose the jacket and it’s great.”  
Sighing I pull it off and throw in onto the rest of my scattered clothes. “Better?”  
“Much.”  
“Good! Now help me clean up this mess before Ste gets back.” Eying the clock I can’t believe it’s taken over an hour for Sinead to be satisfied with my outfit. And with her soap opera break Ste could be back any minute. It’s almost 3:00.  
She laughs, “I’ve done my job by getting you a perfect outfit but fine. I’d hate for you to be late for your perfect date!”  
She helps to gather up my things as I’m hastily throwing them into my suitcase. It’s worn and old and can barely hold all of my earthly possessions in it but we manage the laborious process of gathering everything that’s been strewn across the entire living room.  
With all my clothes messily stuffed in my rag tag suitcase I’m finally able to sit down and try and relax before my date with Ste. If I think too much about it I feel like I’ll hyperventilate again and with Ste coming any minute and Sinead in the room with me I refuse to fall apart now. I grip the sofa and maintain my breathing with some effort, grateful that Sinead seems distracted with gathering up some of Hannah’s toys. My foot keeps bouncing up and down and I can’t seem to keep my eyes from darting to the door every few seconds, despite the TV struggling to draw my attention.  
I can hear Hannah crying before they get to the door, and with a heavily awaited click the front door opens and I push myself off of the couch shakily. In comes Ste, pushing a crying Hannah in her stroller. “Sorry, she was asleep until the stairs.”  
Sinead gets there first and cooing she releases her from the safety restraints and presses Hannah to her body. “Shh baby, you’re okay, shh.” Hannah’s still sobbing but Sinead looks at me, whispering quickly, “I want all the details. Now go and have fun.”  
I try to chuckle off my own awkwardness as Ste looks at me expectantly, pushing the stroller inside, “Ready for our date?” 

******************************************************


	4. Chapter 4

I am having an absolutely unreal day.  
I haven’t felt like this in the longest time. A day where I don’t have to worry or pretend to smile. I don’t have to force myself to laugh with Ste, I want to. And it feels incredibly liberating to act how I feel. To not make myself be something else. I don’t feel broken here. It’s as if he’s somehow stitched me together. And it’s incredible to me that Ste, being with Ste, makes me happy. It’s bizarre.  
I haven’t felt this way since Sami. Immediately I shut down the thought. He’s made his choice and I have to live with it.  
The carnival is crowded, though not overly so. But parking is difficult in the sunny air. Parents with their children are everywhere and there are several couples milling about the games and rides. So far the only difficult part was when a few stupid teenagers said some unkind things about Ste and I being together. Ste just pointedly held my hand and pulled us along towards the other side of the carnival. His warm hand on mine meant more than anything they could have said. Once we walked away he seemed to realize his grip still loose on mine and let our fingers gently slide apart. I tried to hide my disappointment.  
After the sun sets a chill spreads across the area. The black top that was baking with the burning heat cools rapidly. We’re playing a silly carnival game when Ste pulls off his hoodie and hands it to me, “Put it on.”  
It’s that moment that I realize I’m shivering. Reluctantly, I pull it on and am immediately enveloped in Ste’s warmth. My muscles noticeably relax but I look up to him hesitantly, “Thanks, but won’t you be cold?”  
“Naw, I’m fine. Come on though, I’m always terrible at these games.”  
“Same!”  
We walk away chuckling after having spent a few dollars with nothing but memories gained.  
The carnival is crowded and busy, but also enjoyable. All the kiddie rides are loud and lights flash furiously now that the sun has set. It doesn’t give us a lot of space for deep conversation but it’s enjoyable to act like a kid again. It’s been a long time.  
We’ve been picking rides back and forth most of the day, and a menacing ferris wheel draws Ste’s attention. Despite my hesitance I can feel my will crumbling beneath his insistence.  
A part of me really wants Ste to hold my hand, but his arms are folded and I’m not comfortable enough to grab them. I settle for walking close to him as we near the line for the ferris wheel. As we get closer it looms ever higher. I can’t believe we’re going on a ferris wheel. It’s so high up and the idea of falling is terrifying. Luckily, we get on too fast for me to have second thoughts and I find myself trapped on a rickety metal bench surrounded by nothing but the night sky and the ever present sense of falling.  
My fingers are tight on the railing, determined not to fall as the ride begins moving us up into the unforgiving chilly air. If it wasn’t for my sense of self preservation I could potentially like this ride.  
“Hey, you doing okay?”  
Ste looks at me worried but I nod vigorously, “Never better. You?” I despise the treacherous tremor in my words.  
I can tell he doesn’t believe me. “Come on, give me your hand. You won’t fall.”  
Despite my previous desire my fingers remain rooted to the cold metal. I can’t seem to make them move from the safety rail.  
Ste sighs and places one hand gently on mine. I flinch as the bench sways in the traitorous breeze and Ste slowly and carefully pries my death grip away from the bar and puts my hands in his. “It’s okay.”  
I try and slow my breathing, tears threatening to leak from my eyes. My hands are holding Ste’s so tight but I’m still terrified of the drop mere inches from our tenuous position.  
“Come here.” Ste pulls me closer as I graciously fold myself into his embrace. Head buried in his neck, his arms wrap around me. Gently rubbing my back as I try to stop shaking. He murmurs sweet nothings into my hair as I settle into the realness his body possesses. The solid being beside me. It’s not perfect, and if not for my painful fear of falling I’m sure I’d be embarrassed breaking down like this in from of him.  
After what feels like an eternity Ste pulls himself away from my grip. “Come on Harry, let’s go.”  
And there’s the conductor to let us off of the death trap. I blush furiously and hurriedly get off of the bench, relieved by the solid ground under my feet. I hate the stares of the guests waiting in line as I shakily walk past them, pulling on my hood and trying to get as far away from the ferris wheel and the watching eyes as possible.  
The flashing lights are smothering. The giddy cries of children make me feel trapped. The claustrophobic pressure of the crowds seem to be breathing down my neck. I have to get out. To get away. I can’t do this right now. My feet carry me until the loudness and the chaos are more subdued. The muted blackness is refreshing and I adore the stillness that surrounds me. The carnival is in the distance, not too far, but away enough to escape the paralyzing presence of all the people.  
“Harry? Are you okay?” I turn and there’s Ste, arms hanging loosely at his side, breath heavy and gaze worried.  
I nod and wipe my eyes, confused at the wetness.  
He moves over to me carefully, eyes never leaving mine. I remain rooted as he draws closer, slowly, gently. He enters my space and I don’t react as he sits down in front of me. He leans back, looking up at me. After a few silent moments I fall down to the ground in front of him, legs folded tightly.  
“I’m sorry about making you go on the ferris wheel.”  
I nod and swallow heavily, pulling my legs up closer to my chest. “It’s fine.”  
“No, it’s not. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”  
I shrug my shoulders and turn to look back at the carnival, maybe 50 yards away. The bright lights and cheerful noises appear inviting, but the quiet stillness of the night is much more desirable with my head buzzing and my heart pounding loudly in my ears.  
“Anything I can do to help?”His voice is eager, a quiet whisper as if he’s scared I’ll run away.  
I shake my head and work the practised smile back on my face. I don’t want to ruin this date by my own childish fears. I refuse to break now in front of Ste. I will not shut down or let this feeling inside my chest rule me. Closing off the fear I push it down and lift up my chin, cocky grin glued in place. “You can hold my hand as we walk back.”  
A relieved smile breaks out along his face and all I want to do it hold him to me and make him forget my panic. “You’re sure?”  
I nod, stress bottled and in control as he helps me to my feet, fingers lacing through my own.  
“Absolutely.” 

******************************************************

The rest of the date is uneventful. Eating ice cream under the flashing lights, holding Ste’s hand, and ignoring the stares of a few nosy passer-bys.  
It’s a little awkward as we both walk over the threshold and into the apartment. No stereotypical doorstep scene for us. Sinead jumps up from off the couch. In her hurry she leaves the TV on, colorful flashing playing across the floor. “You should have told me when you’d be back!” She complains loudly, “I would have hidden in my room.”  
She winks at me as she passes and gently squeezes my arm before walking pointedly into her and Hannah’s shared room.  
Once she’s gone I try and calm the heat rising in my cheeks. Leave it to Sinead to make me feel awkward. But for once it seems that Ste’s the same way. He pointedly looks after Sinead, fiddling with his hands and gestures towards the couch uncomfortably. “I guess this is the end of our date.”  
“Yeah… oh, your hoodie!”  
I remember the jacket and pull it off quickly. For the first time I notice the chill in the apartment and I’m suddenly freezing. As I’m handing it back to him I already miss the warmth that was wrapped comfortingly around me. Soft as an embrace.  
With its protection gone I can more acutely feel the nerves creeping up from my stomach. Intimately I can imagine how this could go. The easy movement as I draw closer to Ste. Pushing the sweatshirt out of his hands. Wrapping my arms around his neck to gently press my body against his. To gaze knowingly at his lips until they meet mine. The messy tangle of grasping limbs as we move into his bedroom. I know the dance so well now it wouldn’t be hard or difficult. It’s second nature to bend myself to him. Letting him touch me. Feel me. Taste me.  
But even now I know I can’t do that to him. I won’t. It’s supposed to mean something. I want it to mean something with him. To not just be a routine or habit. He’s not one of the men on the corner. I won’t be able to leave once it’s done, cash in hand, to shower off the forgettable evening like I have so many times. To scrub the skin thoroughly as I try and pry their presence off of me.  
The moment breaks once Ste grins at me, “Come on, let’s sit down.”  
I let him gently grip my hand and pull me onto the couch beside him. He looks a little nervous as he turns to face me, “Look, I wanted to apologize about tonight.”  
“No, please don’t worry about it-”  
“It’s okay. I just feel bad making you freak out like that.”  
“You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.” In the dark apartment I’m painfully aware of the color still splashing across us from the muted TV. The humiliating memory bubbling just below the surface. I push it down quickly as he continues.  
“If you say so.” He squeezes my hand and smiles at me.  
His eyes linger on mine. The silence is heavy as his eyes seem to stare into me. It’s only a few seconds but I find myself turning away from the intimate gaze. I break the connection and grab my blanket folded on the floor.  
He chuckles as I pull it around myself, careful to keep focused on the task. Unwilling for him to see my burning cheeks. “Are you still cold?”  
“It’s freezing in here! I don’t know how you even survived without a jacket.”  
His laugh is easy this time, “I’m just hotblooded I guess.” He reaches over to grab my hand and smiles at me mischievously, “Plus now that I know your weakness is the cold, I’ll make sure to bring two jackets with us next time.”  
My pulse flutters as I look at him, and I can’t stop the smile that pulls onto my face, “I was going to bring my own, I swear. But Sinead made me leave it behind.”  
“Of course she did. She’d definitely be the one to plan that.”  
“Knowing her she probably thought it was going to be cold tonight.” I remember her asking me to leave it behind. I hadn’t even thought twice.  
“Oh I’m sure she did.”  
“She’s such a busy body but I love her.”  
“Same. Plus, what would we do without her?” he teases.  
“Have a spare moment of peace together.”  
There’s a beat of silence as his expression grows serious. He pulls the hand gripping mine up to his lips before he responds, “Like now.”  
I can barely breathe as he gently kisses my knuckles, the act so soft and quiet I’m completely unprepared. His eyes don’t leave mine, gazing at my expression quizzically as he continues. The unfamiliar newness is comforting as well as strange. How calm he is when I don’t stop him. How careful he is to gage my reactions as he sweetly moves to kiss my wrist. Teeth hinting at the delicate skin before he pulls back, hands still holding my own like it’s something precious. So different from anything I’m used to.  
I can feel my gaze drifting down to his lips. Aching to feel them against mine. But I quickly yank them back up to his eyes. No matter how much I want to, I’m determined not to break. Refusing to push onto him in the darkness and let him have every piece of me. For the first time in a long time I feel the thrill of longing in me and it takes more than a few moments to reign it back in.  
It’s strangely easy and terrifying sitting here with him once I realize how much he wants to kiss me. Being able to literally taste his desire. Intoxicating to know that so strongly and to be able to choose what happens next. To not act based on fear or financial need but instead on what I actually want.  
I pull my legs up under me as I lean closer towards him. One hand trapped in his grip while the other touches his chin. Pressing my lips against his cheek I breathe out gently, letting the air ever so softly tickle his skin. I force myself to back away, rocking onto my haunches as I release him. “Thanks for the date.”  
He releases my hand, “Anytime.”  
Stepping away is more difficult than I would have thought. Leaving him on the couch as I move to the bathroom to get ready. There’s a blush creeping up my neck and I can feel the heat pooling into me. But I can’t help but be proud of my decision. No matter how delicious having him now would be, I can’t help but pay attention to the nagging voice in the back of my head. That doing this now wouldn’t mean anything. Plus hiding the bruises would be a complete pain.  
I get ready quickly, a stupid grin stuck on my face as I step out into the living room and make myself comfortable on the couch. A few minutes later Ste exits his room, wet hair sticking up in clumps. “I just wanted to say good night.”  
“Good night.”  
His shampoo smells amazing as he gently kisses my forehead. When he pulls back it takes all of my restraint but I don’t reach out to him and force him back for his lips to meet mine. I let him step into his room before I allow the small sigh to escape my lips. Oh it is going to be so hard to fall asleep. 

******************************************************


	5. Chapter 5

The morning comes too quickly for my taste. Too bright and too loud as Sinead shakes me roughly awake. “Hurry up! You’ll be late for work.”  
I leap off of the couch as she hurriedly goes to wake up Ste. We rush out the door, Ste with a quick piece of toast as I’m still buttoning up my work shirt. We barely make it there as Tony’s pulling up. We’re maybe 20 minutes behind schedule and we’re all running around preparing everything before the morning rush. I barely have a spare moment once we open up and customers start coming in. Luckily, it’s not super busy. But I am constantly moving around, making sure everything's going well and trying to finish preparing for the day with our late start.  
Tony and Ste are in the kitchen when he enters the restaurant.  
“Hello Harry.”  
My stomach drops and I can feel the cold dread creeping up my spine. James. He’s here.  
Seeing him. Here. I’m completely frozen as his gaze crawls over me, resting finally on my eyes as I shudder. My body’s screaming at me to run and hide but my muscles are frozen. I’m locked in place as he clicks his tongue. “Now Harry, don’t be forgetting how to treat your customers again. Remember, service with a smile.”  
I can literally taste bile in the back of my throat as a smile spreads across his lips. My heart lurches painfully and I can almost feel the panic starting to close in on me.  
“Hey Harry.” I force my eyes back to Ste, utterly dazed. “Order’s up.”  
If he noticed anything strange he doesn’t let on. Mechanically, I push myself up to the counter to grab the plate. Bacon and eggs steaming seductively. I think I’m going to be sick.  
Miraculously, I’m able to deliver the food to the correct customer. I can feel myself shutting down, running on autopilot as I continue working, all too aware of James’ eyes following me.  
In the rush I successfully avoid him until maybe 15 minutes later. “Harry.”  
I jerk violently, spilling scalding tea down my hand but I can’t even feel it. Without my permission I turn to where he’s sitting, relaxed in a booth that looks tacky and cheap next to his suit. He crooks a finger at me and my feet seem to move on their own accord until I’m standing in front of him.  
He’s perfectly dressed, as always. His cocky grins ties my stomach in knots but I can’t pull back as he looks up to me, utterly relaxed. “You’ve been avoiding your corner.”  
I flinch back and my eyes quickly dart to the kitchen where Ste and Tony are cooking. Not here. They can’t know.  
James smiles sweetly, following my gaze. “Still can’t have anyone know how you spend your nights I see.” His eyes move back to my own, and his expression is positively angelic, “Shall I call them over?”  
My heartbeat rockets into my chest. “Don’t, please.”  
“Bring me a cup of swallowable coffee and we’ll talk.”  
Jittery, I back up to the counter to get a clean mug. My hands are shaking and I’m eternally grateful for the morning rush that’s distracting Ste and Tony. Painstakingly, I prepare the cup carefully. The familiar task helping me to calm down ever so slightly. I remember this. How he likes his coffee. Creamy with just a hint of sugar. It’s relaxing.  
It only takes me a few moments but my pulse is slower as I turn back to face James.  
He’s sitting there calmly. Fingers clasped loosely together, the perfect picture of patience and control. A malicious part of me wants to throw the coffee on him and ruin the illusion, but all I can do is hand it to him softly. He drinks pensively and my gaze is drawn automatically to his throat bobbing up and down as he swallows. Remembering the smell of him, the warmth of his embrace.  
I jerk my gaze back to his eyes, jittery and nervous as he sets down the mug and looks up to me. “Tolerable coffee. But prepared well.”  
His eyes glitter up at me as he gestures to the bench across the table from him, “Sit with me.”  
I step back, anxious, “I have to get back to work there’s-”  
“Sit. Down.”  
There’s no arguing with his tone and before I know it I find myself across from him, fingers clenched together nervously.  
“Good boy.”  
“I really do have to get back to work.”  
“Shush, this won’t take long.”  
I clamp my jaw shut as he looks into my eyes.  
“I want you back Harry.”  
My stomach drops as I sit there speechless. It’s only a few seconds later before he continues. “You don’t have to decide right now. Meet with me tonight and we can discuss the details.”  
I can’t seem to focus as he hands me the key card for a hotel room. “Suite 109, 10:30. Don’t be late.”  
I’m frozen as he stands up, gathering himself and leaving a couple of bills on the table. As he steps by me I muster up the power to speak out. “And if I don’t show up?”  
He pauses, standing above me, looking away to the door. A heavy hand falls on my shoulder, “I guess we could always meet at your place. But I’ve been trying to respect your privacy Harry.”  
I shudder as he fingers my ear lobe carefully for a moment. Pulling gently for just a second before quietly adding, “Oh, and I expect better service tonight.” And then he’s making his way out of the restaurant.  
My hands are shaking and I’m having difficulty controlling my breathing. Seeing him here. Panicking that someone would notice. That Ste would see. Unanswerable questions as my past comes back to haunt me. As James refuses to let me go. Just imagining his voice as he spoke, bold as always, sends shivers down my spine. The easy way he controls himself. Manages the situation. Handles me.  
I’m intimately aware of his careful touches. The threats that sound so sweet on his tongue. He chases my heart into a beating frenzy with barely a care. It terrifies me how easily he’s able to get what he wants. How subtly he’s able to move me around like a pawn in his game. As if nothing’s changed since I left.  
It feels like I can step back into that life. Into his arms. Into his bed. And it’s all there, beckoning me inward. Welcoming me. Refusing to let me go. My stomach starts bubbling and I bolt to the bathroom. Intensely grateful I skipped breakfast as the acidic bile forces its way up my throat and into the sink. I barely make it in time but atleast I haven’t made a mess anywhere.  
I carefully rinse out my mouth with the tepid tap water. It’s only a few minutes later and I’m presentable again. Looking in the mirror I force the smile onto my face, intimately aware of the mask James crafted for me. I blink back tears as I can almost hear him croon softly in my ear, “Good boy, just like that. Perfect.” His lingering touches hold onto me in the cheap bathroom. I shiver and swallow bak the fear threatening to explode out of my chest.  
“Come on Harry. Back to work.” I whisper to the smile plastered on my face before exiting to finish my shift. 

******************************************************

The rest of the day doesn’t get much better. With James distracting me I fell behind again and basically had to bend over backwards just to try and catch up. Which meant terrible tips from practically everyone. Besides James. Who left two fifty dollar bills. Taking them makes me feel sick, but I pocket them carefully, grateful no one else seemed to notice. I use most of my other measly tips to cover the cost of the coffee so no one figures it out.  
It’s an exhausting shift and by the end I’m about ready to collapse.  
“Now make sure you’re both on time tomorrow so we don’t have to deal with that madness again.” Tony pulls me aside as Ste’s taking off his apron, “You feeling any better Harry? I know you were a bit off on Saturday and I wanted to make sure you’re doing okay.”  
I nod and smile up at him, “Yeah, never better.”  
“Well, just be sure to let me know if you ever feel unwell. I’d hate for you to get sick.”  
I assure him that I’m fine but he still seems a bit worried as Ste and I leave.  
The car ride is full of Ste and stories of today’s craziness. Apparently one of the other waiters had a customer who made him remake an omelette three times because of how particular they were. When Ste questions me I prattle on about how hectic it was, skipping completely over James.  
Ste’s just pulling into the parking spot as he continues. “Well I’m just excited for a quiet night in. Want to watch a movie with me?”  
“Can’t stay for too long. I have to do some promoting at the clubs tonight.”  
“Oh? What time?”  
“Around 10:00.”  
“Well that should give us plenty of time. I need to make sure and get lots of sleep.” he pauses as he pulls out the keys and looks at me, all serious. “I have no idea how you do it all. Working at the restaurant by day and promoting at clubs all the time. I think I’d collapse.”  
“Some days it’s hard.”  
His gaze softens and he catches my hand, seeming to study it for just a moment before he looks up into my eyes, “You could always ask Tony for some time off. I’m sure he’d be more then happy to.”  
He’s so sincere and kind I can feel my heart melting. “Thanks, I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.”  
Ste’s sweet to worry but I like to stay busy. Plus I enjoy helping out, it feels good to be able to contribute.  
We make our way up to the apartment where Sinead is watching Hannah in the living room. I’m grateful for the distraction. For the family feeling between all of us. It’s light and easy falling into the routine that’s months in the making. Ste’s cooking dinner as I’m taking care of the baby, giving Sinead a well deserved break. But even the relaxing atmosphere can’t stop the clock from ticking. Dinner flies by as time seems to slip through my fingers. I can’t seem to hang onto it as it steadily gets closer and closer to 10:30.  
Even taking a shower doesn’t calm me fully. I’m anxious as the movie starts. And with some prompting from Sinead, I pick the spot on the couch next to Ste. My nerves are a mess, but I struggle to keep in control of my pounding heart. Ste wraps his arm around my shoulders a few minutes into the movie.  
“You doing okay?”  
I sneak a glance at Sinead, who seems enthralled by the movie, before answering Ste. “Yeah, I’m fine.”  
“You sure? You seem a bit, off.”  
“Yeah, it’s just-”  
“Okay, I love both of you guys but come on! We’re watching a movie! No talking.”  
Sinead redirects her attention back to the screen as Ste’s lips move to my ear. He barely breathes out the words, but they’re discernable. “You wanna talk about it?”  
He gestures to his room with his eyes and I’m torn. I can’t tell him the truth. It would kill me and ruin any chance I have with him. But the idea of sitting here, slowly unraveling in silence is also unappealing. There’s only a couple hours left before I have to head to the hotel and meet up with James. The very thought chills me and I’m terrified that he’ll never let me go. But the only other option is to reveal the truth to Sinead and Ste. And no matter what happens, I won’t destroy their trust in me.  
I shake my head slowly and move my mouth closer so he can hear me, “Don’t worry. Nothing I can’t handle.”  
I pray I’m telling the truth as I nuzzle against his side. Using the proximity to project the calmness I don’t feel.  
I pretend to watch the movie as I curl up into him, loving his warmth and the solid surety he creates next to me. He holds me to him and I find myself wrapped in his arms, head nestles at the point where his shoulder meets his neck. For this stolen moment I can feel safe. I can feel protected and secure in his grasp. I can pretend, for this fleeting second to feel whole and that James never tore me apart. I use the time to try and focus and pull myself together. No matter what James says, and no matter what he wants, I won’t let him destroy me again. To carve open my heart and pull out everything that made me, me. I will come back to Ste and be in his arms once more. James doesn’t control me anymore.  
My courage grows as the movie winds down and somehow I don’t feel the intense terror as acutely as I untangle my limbs from Ste’s. I finish the last touches to be ready for my night job and with a few minutes to spare, I find myself knocking on Ste’s bedroom door.  
“Come in Harry.”  
I pull inside and close the door. “How’d you know it was me?”  
“Oh you know Sinead, she usually doesn’t knock. So, what can I do for you?”  
“I just wanted to say good night before heading out.”  
I walk up to where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed and lean down carefully to kiss his cheek. He smells amazing, and his wet hair feels incredible as my fingers slide through the locks slowly. The cold is pleasant on my skin and his rough, short facial hair tickles my lips. I’m able to step back from him after a few seconds and realize we’re both breathing heavily. Suddenly, I’m uncomfortably aware of how much I want him at this moment. One hand gently gripping his hair, I can’t stop my other fingers from moving up to his chin and rubbing softly across his mouth.  
He’s still beneath my touch, but I can feel his ragged breath as his tongue shoots out ever briefly to taste my skin. I can literally sense my will power crumbling as I step forward and push myself onto his lap and into his arms. They wrap around me and hold me to him as my mouth comes to the nape of his neck and latches on, dizzy with the sensation of his skin across my lips and his wet hair brushing across my forehead. I move up, kissing and sucking to his ear, where I carefully nibble.  
I can feel him falling apart as he gasps harshly and squeezes me to him. Gripping me almost painfully tight as I use my experience to softly kiss and bite his neck, careful to never, ever, leave a mark. I can almost taste the want building up between us. The need to finish. The intense agony of submitting to the impulse to lose myself in him. To yearn so deeply for his touch to wipe away everything else. It’s thrilling to feel the desire bubbling up inside of me, to realize just how much I want to get lost in this moment. To bend myself around him and to share this with him, despite the consequences.  
“Beep beep beep beep. Beep beep beep beep. Beep beep beep beep.”  
The alarm on my phone is painfully loud as it breaks the moment between Ste and I. Resting my forehead against him I allow myself to breathe him in for just a minute before pushing myself out of his embrace.  
I’m equally grateful and furious at my alarm for destroying the time with Ste. I haven’t felt so out of control in the longest time and it’s exhilarating as well as terrifying to have that again. I pick myself up carefully and he lets me leave the security of his arms.  
“Sorry. But I have to go.”  
He nods and clears his throat, “Yeah. I figured.” His words are a little unstable and I just want to tuck myself back into him and release all of my concerns. To bury myself in the sensation of his body on mine.  
I’m struck by the certainty of this moment. I don’t want Ste just to escape James. I don’t want him to forget the past or my problems. I’m not here to be fixed or treated. I want him because he’s Ste. I can trust him. I can care about him with or without these physical moments. With or without the danger or the sex. I can love him for who he is and not for what he can give me. It’s a beautiful realization.  
Kissing him is nice. Feeling his lips move on mine. And with actual emotion behind it there’s excitement bubbling in my chest that I can’t even remember the last time I felt. It’s like, if I pulled away I’d be giggling and giddy. An incredible, joyous, excited wreck. It’s thrilling and it kills me to have to move away, breathing heavily as his breath sends shivers across my skin.  
“I really do have to go.”  
It takes him a minute but he gently pushes me off of him and towards the door. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”  
I can’t hold back the grin that pulls up my lips as I step away from him, “Tomorrow then.”  
Exiting the apartment is harder than it’s ever been. And with the happiness lingering from Ste I can almost forget about James and his threats. Almost.

******************************************************


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I haven't worked on this fic in ages but I found a chapter I apparently finished way back when so I thought I'd post it. Hope you enjoy!

Finding the hotel isn’t difficult. Even with Ste’s distraction I arrive before 10:30. Making myself enter is another story. I can almost feel my mind shutting down as I walk up to the room, key card trembling in my hand. It takes a few deep breaths but I’m able to force myself to unlock the door and push it open.   
It’s a nice suite. Just like the last one. Large, open and clean. Exactly as James prefers.   
My body’s on autopilot as I enter inside and pull off my shoes. The carpet’s soft and thick, muffling my footsteps as I pad deeper into the room.   
And then he’s here. James.  
The roses are a nice touch. His idea of romance. As if things haven’t changed from when we first met. As if everything hasn’t changed since we were together.   
“Come here Harry.”  
Even now I find myself helpless to refuse him. To submit to him and let him rule me. I make my way to him in the quiet of the room, heartbeat pounding loudly in my ears. It’s only a few seconds, but it feels like an eternity as his gaze crawls over me.   
I’m next to the bed when he holds up a hand and I pause, warring within myself as he looks me up and down hungrily.   
“Business before pleasure pet.” he sits up, but his eyes never leave me.   
He moves over until he’s at the edge of the mattress, within arms length. One hand grips my chin and tilts it up to look him in the eye.   
“Then again, pleasure is your business.”  
His mouth crushes onto mine and I’m lost to his control. 

******************************************************

My skin shivers underneath his touch. He’s next to me on the bed, gently swirling patterns onto my back. He softly kisses my shoulder before pulling up so close I can barely breathe, “That was nice.”  
I surrender myself to his kiss as he leans farther into me for just a moment before pulling back. “Very nice.”   
I find myself unable to fight against him as he moves to my throat, sucking another bruise into the sensitive skin before leaning back to admire his handiwork. I feel frozen as his breath crawls across my neck and I shiver under his careful attention.   
He sighs and pulls back, leaving me alone on the bed as he stands up and pulls on a robe. I try to advert my gaze but his eyes catch mine and I can’t help but notice the smile sitting smug on his lips as he looks down at me. Never wavering, he covers up.   
He pads across the room, carefully avoiding the roses, and makes his way to one of the couches. He moves my haphazardly discarded button-up onto the ground and sits down before turning back to me. “Come here Harry, we have business to discuss.”   
Reluctantly, I push myself off the bed, pulling the thick comforter around me. I ignore his outstretched arms to make myself comfortable on the couch across from him. Grateful to have at least some space in between us and some protection from his view. It isn’t much, but I somehow feel safer with the covering.   
He watches me carefully as I settle in, wrapping the blanket tight around me before he continues, “I assume you’ve thought about what I said.”  
I nod, not trusting my voice.  
He seems annoyed but brushes it off, “Your answer?”  
“I’m not going back.” I wish I sounded stronger, more determined. But my confidence fades as he looks at me.   
“Why?”   
I know that look too well. All hope for a peaceful solution seems futile as I curl further into myself and prepare for his fury.   
He reacts to my guarded expression and his eyes soften, standing up, he steps a few paces closer. “Tell me.”   
I wish I could trust the softness in his voice. The kindness that feels like a knife to my heart. The tender care that I used to expect so readily from him. That I could go back and remember the comfort he used to give so easily, his hands breathing deftly across my body. But there are too many memories of his touch harsh against my skin to try and believe differently now.   
Gently, his hand grips my chin, pulling my gaze up to his, “Please Harry.”   
I find myself unable to doubt his sincerity as his eyes plead vulnerably down at me. It kills me, but I can almost feel my heart beating faster. Responding to his careful touch and tone. It’s enough to unlock my lips as I search for any answer but the truth, “I can’t leave my family.”  
His eyes tighten dangerously, but his fingers remain soft, “Honesty Harry.”   
I can’t help the shudder that races through me as he refuses to let me go. But I make myself answer him, “I, I can’t do this anymore. It can’t be the same as before.”   
“You mean with me.”  
I nod, grateful when his hand pulls back and he takes a step away from me. He turns around and paces back to his abandoned couch, sitting down to face me again, fingers curled under his chin. He eyes me quizzically for a few moments before gesturing to me, “Come here Harry.”   
I force myself to make the long trek into his arms. The comforter offers warmth as he pulls my whole bundle onto his lap. He leans back as he drapes me over him, laying me against his chest, my legs falling over his longer ones. He pulls my back up next to him and we sit for several minutes, one hand stroking my bare arm while the other curls possessively around me. It’s unnerving how normal this still feels.   
I can barely breathe I’m so aware of him. Forcing myself to remain still as he seems to study me. I’m careful not to do anything that might set him off. He seems calm but I’m all too familiar with how quickly that can change. I keep myself soft and quiet in his arms, waiting for whatever comes next. Whatever decision he comes to.   
It takes longer than I thought, but he gently turns me around to face him, my knees on either side of him as he pushes the blanket off of my shoulders. It stays bunched up around my waist as he studies me for a few seconds. “Give me another chance Harry.”   
I try to hide my reaction, but I’m unable to stop the shiver that jolts through me. Goosebumps breaking over my skin.   
How many times had I dreamed of this? Of James here below me, begging me to come back. Waking up in a cold sweat at his presence. Remembering all too clearly the reasons I left. Vividly recalling how he controlled me. How he made me rely on him. Reliving the days locked in his room, trapped in his house. The absolute fear at the idea of going back and becoming his once more.   
It’s easier this time to shake my head slowly, but firmly. I won’t belong to him again.  
His eyes harden as a hand moves up to grip my arm painfully tight. “Give me one week to prove to you how much I’ve changed.”   
I try to pull away but his other arm reaches back up to my chin and forces me to look at him. “Harry.”   
His voice is a warning and it takes everything I have to stop my struggling and fall back onto him.   
He waits a few seconds for me to quiet down before continuing. “I know our relationship before wasn’t exactly idea.” I jerk in surprise but he goes on. “With all the drama and Sami I know it was difficult for you.” his fingers gently caresses my cheek and I hate how easily he calms me down. How his soft voice somehow makes me listen. How my body instinctively leans into his touch. As if he still holds a piece of me in his hand.   
The words, although unexpected, ring true. And a part of me can’t help but give him my full attention as he settles under me.   
James seems to pick up on the sudden shift of attitude as his grip squeezing my arm loosens, his hand sliding down next to my hip. My fingers are knotted up in the blanket as he moves to pry them loose. His fingertips weave through mine as his other hand slides slowly to the back of my neck. He squeezes warmly and I can literally feel myself melt against him, utterly hypnotized by his intimate touch.   
I shudder but can’t seem to find a way to escape this. The kindness I have no weapon against.   
“Come back with me. Just for a week. Let me show you how much has changed.”  
He mouths at my neck softly and I don’t fight him. “Please Harry?” His voice is low in my ear and sends a jolt of electricity shooting down my spine.   
I can feel my resolve weakening as he takes me softly in his arms. I’m caught off guard by the unwelcome swell of emotions. That terrible, nagging part of me wants to see this through. Wants to try the doomed romance once more. To turn back to the choked dreams. To believe in the sweet words and the cherished half truths.   
But I refuse to do that again.   
Painfully, I pull my thoughts together. Firmly shutting down the voice calling for the man under me. Ste. I need to remember Ste.   
I fix my jaw, ignoring how delicious his lips feel on my neck, “I can’t James.”  
He still, but his hands remain gentle as he speaks, cool air sending shivers across my skin. “I won’t take no for an answer Harry.”   
As if waking from a dream I’m back in reality. Suddenly uncomfortably aware of the pressuring grip and his teeth so close to my sensitive throat. I push back but his arms are suddenly vice-like around me.   
“Shh pet.” I start to struggle but he continues, “You’ll stay with me in the house for a week,” he kisses my throat softly before finishing, “or I’ll tell your family about how you spend your nights.”   
I’m brought up short. He can’t. He wouldn’t. But if I know anything about James, I know that he would. He’d make good on any threat to try and get his way. To keep me.   
I force myself to take a breath as he pulls back to look me in the eyes, “Deal?”   
This can’t end well, but I find myself unwillingly nodding. They can’t know.   
His kiss is gentle and chaste, a mockery of the undesirable bargain. Once he pulls back I find my voice.   
“You have to promise to never tell them. Swear you won’t.”   
His mouth is sweet across my lips, “Promise.”   
His arms wrap around me and cling to me, pushing me roughly against his body as he readjusts under me.   
And it starts again. Lost in his touch and trapped in his control. 

******************************************************

The walk home is freezing, but I’m grateful for some time to think.   
James, as always, seems to have the upper hand. Controlling me like his own puppet on a string no matter what happens.   
Yet a part of me feels a strange sense of excitement to go back to the house. To be able to see my friends and catch up with them. To remember the good times we shared and mourn for the bad. Thinking of Sami is terrifying and I find myself pushing aside the memory before the bitterness can fill me.   
I still can’t believe I’m going back. And I’m scared that James won’t let me leave once he’s trapped me again.   
I shake the thoughts out of my head as I climb the apartment steps, eager for nothing more than a shower and sleep.   
Thankfully, the apartment is empty and silent as I sneak in; carefully, determined not to wake anyone. Gratefully, I’m able to fulfill my wishes and enter into a fretful sleep. 

******************************************************

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fic. If you think I need any additional tags please let me know. Also, if anyone has any title suggestions I am all ears.  
> Thanks for reading.


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